Major Jitters About the Future

I'm so nervous. I'm putting in an application to take a Language Competitive Examination with a prestigious international organization. If I am accepted, I will take the six and a half hour exam in language translation in the middle of July. If I pass it, I will be called back for an interview, where I will have to translate a text on sight. If I make it successfully through the interview, I will be put on a roster and may be called to fill in a post as a translator at any of six to eight locations around the world. I would serve in that post for a probationary period of two years. It's a wonderful chance to live overseas and gain work experience, as well as to contribute to an organization that makes a difference.

I suppose I'm more nervous if I actually get the position than if I don't. I've always wanted to travel overseas and see the world. If stationed in Europe, I would also be paid enough to make a few weekend trips to see the major sites. If offered the position, I would take it because I just could not pass up that kind of opportunity. But I could also be stationed in Beirut, which I'm learning is a definitively vibrant city, but is also located in a political hotbed.

And if I took a job on another continent, what would I do so far away from mom and dad? I don't always see eye to eye with my father, and we clashed a lot a few years ago, but I would still miss him. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. I wouldn't be preparing to take the steps I am without his own efforts at self-improvement. I guess my father will be with me wherever I go.

And what about my mother? Who will cook my meals and my breakfast like she does—like a pro! And what would she do without me nearby? I am very much attached to my both parents. But my mother has always had a difficult time about my going long distances away. I remember the time we were watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and she asked (only half jokingly) if I would move into the house next door like Toula did. As for me, I want to travel, but I also want to have my parents close by.

Also, I'm a little nervous about living out in the world on my own. Not that I'm afraid something might happen to me...... except in certain places. But for some reason, I am now more keenly aware than ever of the need for the emotional support of close friends and family. I guess losing people I care about has taught me that. Maybe that need is what has kept me so close to home during all these years of questioning.

I need to step out into the world. Maybe I am ready to work with this organization, maybe not. Maybe this organization is more of a step for a little later on down the road. But I'm going to give it a shot and do the very best I can on this application and on the exam, if I make it.

If I don't make it, I want to enroll in a graduate program this year. Grad school will be a good place to gain professional experience, complete my professional training, get involved in a community, build connections for the future, and perhaps meet a significant other. No, I am not contemplating graduate school as a place to hide. I've completed my turtle years. I am looking at graduate school as a place to ripen.

I don't have to step into the international translation part just now, even if I am ready to go out into the world. After completing the application, I realize they may not admit me to the exam because I know I don't have a lot of professional experience. But that doesn't bother me. I'm not going to let a little rejection bruise my ego. At this point in my life, I would rather apply and lose than not apply at all. I'm making the effort now to move out into the world and develop my professional experience. So whatever experience I lack, I will go out and get right now.

But for the moment, I'm going to relax, work on a couple other projects this weekend, and maybe socialize a little bit. The weekend has begun.

The Quest for the Future Continues.....

Well, I had a very fun day yesterday.  I hung out with some of my friends from college, and together we went to a Greek festival at Saint George's Greek Orthodox Church in Hamilton, NJ.  Food, music, art, good company, laughter, dancing (or not), and then dinner at my friend's home all conspired to pass a very pleasant afternoon and evening.  Much joy and cheer were had by all of us who attended.

But now I can't help but express that I'm starting to feel nervous (or continuing to).  I've been putting in a few different applications.  Of course, I'm trying to be creative.  And in reality, I've only just begun doing the job search recently.  Part of my question is:  how do I translate the experiences of my last five years into something that looks good on a résumé and sounds good in an interview?

My journey has been a largely inner one.  How do I say in an interview:  I've been kicked in the groin?  I lost one of the most important people in my life; my religion and even my family broke down; but my whole world opened up to new ideas and possibilities; and I have been looking for reasons to be on this planet......... and not merely as a zombie droning through life obsessively stuffing blind mouthfuls into my flaking corpse flesh, but as an actual living breathing human being self-aware and planet-aware with large aspirations and the means to achieve them.  I have been looking for something to live for and strive for, and now I may actually have it. 

The only thing I have wanted from life that has never changed:  to travel widely and live overseas.  That is my mission in life.  That is what I am working for.  I know that with my own particular talents and traits, I won't be doing it as a musician or as a teacher.

I also know that I need and want a family.  I don't always feel like I belong—in any of the groups of which I have been a member, including family, including friends, including classes, including the workplace.  But I still want family and friends.  Even a hermit does not exist truly alone but in communion with the life of the nature around him—and even in the world he leaves behind. 

I also want to have wealth and security.  I know that employees are not always valued by their employers, especially when they reach old age.  I am not anywhere near that threshold.  Time is on my side.  But I want to use that time wisely, and to lay the foundations of security for the future.  I want good food and cheer and the ability to share these things with the people I care about, whom I know deserve them. 
...
I wrote the above about 9 hours ago.  I'm so tired right now.  It was a long day (after a short night).  I know I could have been more productive today and could be more productive right now.  But I just began the chapter on Daoism in the book I'm reading (God Is Not One, by Stephen Prothero).  There is something to be said for "wandering"—it is part of the name of my blog, after all.  I had a nice wander this afternoon in the backyard, in the fine drizzle, trampling the wet grass, and admiring the flowers in the garden my mother planted this weekend.  I think wandering allows one to find one's purpose in life, especially wandering among nature.  It brings out the Entish wisdom of "Don't be hasty."  I will arrive at my destination—in time.  Sooner, later, does it matter?  I don't have to be full of financial assets to to enjoy small pleasures or share them.  The important thing is to enjoy them along the way.